Sojourning

These last three weeks, I had the pleasure of visiting Mindanao and learned one very important lesson.

In the span of three weeks, I have enjoyed sumptuous meals that have kept me from my diet (haha)…I had the privilege of enjoying the beautiful sceneries that words could not even begin to describe. I had the pleasure of meeting beautiful people and ministering to them in a way that brings great satisfaction to my soul. I was given the opportunity to read books and find the much needed refreshment for my uneasy spirit. I enjoyed the excitement of travelling three hours to visit Cotabato just to share the gospel to one elderly. I had the fun of experiencing our boat overturn and seeing God give us a miraculous catch…for the sole purpose of keeping one pastor from bragging about the fishes he caught (ouch! haha! at least I caught one).

Truth be told…It was one wonderful experience after another. It would have been perfect…But it was not. Last friday, I realized what kept it from being perfect. Last friday, for the very first time in three weeks, I laid ever so peacefully in the comforts of my own bed. As great as those experiences were in Mindanao…one truth emerges…there’s no place like home. As much as you’d like to experience travelling to and fro…Our hearts will always continue to long for the comforts of our own home.

Friends, I believe that this is true as well for you. As much as we love what our senses feel here on earth…the pleasure of tasting great food…the wonder of seeing the majestic creations of God…the joy of smelling the fragrant aromas of this world…and even the satisfaction of a gently touch on our skins…they will never be enough to fully satisfy us. We will continue to groan and long for our eternal home. Because in the end, there’s no place like home. Are you excited to go home? An author once said, A Christian who is not excited at the thought of going home to be with God is not a Christian as yet. I hope to see you guys at my heavenly home…

         With great dismay, I looked and saw the remaining produce of the once proud and fruitful tree. It was barely hanging on…it has fought hard a many through rains and winds. Yet none could budge this tiny little green. In a distant past, there were hundreds of them…decorating this youthful tree. Each fruit…a hope…a doorway to a greener future. But time has slowly stripped this tree of its ambitions. One by one, the fruits fell down. One by one, dreams were crushed and hopes crumbled.

        And so I stand, the once decorated tree was now down to my last fruit. Fearful to lose what little pride remains…i held on with all my might. No birds nor beast shall steal this lone jewel from me…this i have promised. But unbeknowst to me…it’s Maker hath prepared but one soft gentle tug…a soft autumn wind…just enough to knock my most treasured prize from out of my grip…nothing more, nothing less.

        With great anger, the tree could but look as the gem fell to the ground never to decorate him again. With rage, it charged the heaven’s above. "The heavens shall be deafened with my shouts of injustice. The heavens hath known no such fury as mine." And so for months without end, the tree made known it’s complaint to the skies above…never relenting…never wavering…with fist lifted high in defiance to the Most High…Nothing but silence…Until time changed the rage to despair…the fury to surrender. With no hope of morrow, the tree begged its Maker for a thunder to strike him down. For what good it is to live without hope?

       And so I stand…the skeleton of a tree…no trophies to boast…no medallions to brag. I stand alone…shivering in winter’s cold snow and life’s great despair. No glory of my own. Just an old tree…and nothing more. Just a tree…deprived of its future and dreams. Just another victim to life’s cruel joke and heaven’s design. Just as I am…without one plea…until…

       With great surprise…I looked and saw…ever before me a tiny shoot arising. It’s green brought with it the promise of spring. It sprouted where my tiny fruit has fallen. And to my utter joy, i realized this shoot is my dream…the very dream that I have been holding on to….unbeknownst to me that only by letting go and letting God…wouldst my dream to reality turn. Only in surrendering my dream wouldst my Maker make something beautiful out of it.

       And so I stand, watching ever with joy at the new found dream…one that wouldst continue a legacy I long thought to have ended. With fulfillment, I watched as that tiny tree mature and slowly learn the very same lesson I learned long ago…that only in surrender to my Maker, will I find life’s most wonderful path.

        And so I stand today, bearing the scars of yesteryears…the pain of holding on to dreams has long passed me by. I stand amazed at the great mystery of life…that only in dying do I find life…and only in surrender do I find my dreams.

Behind every smile…there is a story. Behind every beautiful facade…there is a hidden tale to tell. Finding that story is and will always be the challenge of a lifetime. It always seems so easy to look at the outward appearances…a sweet smile…a beautiful face…a rosy cheek…a well-built body…and miss out on the more important aspect of a person…his heart.

When we care enough to look into the heart of a person…that’s the only time we begin to mature. We begin to see people for who they really are…a mom who is at the end of her ropes trying to make ends meet…a dad who is filled with guilt over the secret affairs that he’s been having…a son who longs for the attention of his parents…a daughter who can’t tell her mom that she’s pregnant…a businessman who is caught up in the traps of greed…the employee who puts her life on hold because of overtime…a minister struggling with his inner demons…a christian leader wrestling with thougths of turning to atheism…a young man who finally found the woman of her dreams…an athlete who reaps the rewards of his hard fought training…a teacher seeing her old students transformed into successful men and women.

If we only cared enough to look beyond the peaceful glow of a smile…

Somehow, we all long for someone we could open up to…we all long for someone who would care enough to ask about the deepest scars we keep within our hearts…the raging tempest that runs amuck within…we all long for that someone who would just tap our shoulders and tell us, "I want to know what you’re going through…I want to be there for you…"

Unfortunately, we are all in an era where people don’t care anymore. We live in a time when outward appearances are all that matters. As long as we look good outwardly…people would accept us…as long as we look good outwardly…We’ll be fine. And so it goes… troubles that need to be shared are kept inside…problems that need to be endured together are thrust upon oneself…storms that need to be weathered together ends up washing away what little faith we have left. The result? Teenage rebellion…Depression…Suicides

If only Christians would learn to look deep into one’s soul and understand the story behind each beating heart…then those hearts would stay beating…those hearts would continue to have a reason and hope to keep on beating.

If only…

Father, thank you because you know us by heart. You know when we rise and when we sleep. You know even the number of hair on our head. You know our ways even more than we know ourselves. Father, we thank you that before you, we are all open books. And that there is nothing we can hide before you. We can come before you just as we are…without any pretensions…without any masks. You know our deepest hurt…you know our darkest secrets…and yet You can still find it in You to love us and forgive us when we are most disgusted even with our own selves. There’s been a lot of times, when the turbulence within seems to be closing in on the fine line between sanity and madness…but your presence has proved time and again to be that firm foundation we can cling on to. You have been the Anchor of our soul through the raging depths. Where would I be today without Your steady hands? O how pitiful, O Lord…are those who have chosen to weather the storms by their own strength. O how pitiful are those who don’t have you in their lives. Father, use me today to proclaim to them the Rock that is safe and sure…the Rock of Ages. Use me today to point these souls to the Boulder no wind can topple, no fire can break, no hammer can shatter…the Bullwark that never fails. This is my prayer in the Mighty Name of My One Sure Foundation…Jesus Christ I pray, Amen.

"

"Lord, take away my life…I don’t want to live anymore."

I believe that at one point or another we all have uttered those words to God…whether out of frustrations or disappointments. We all have come to embrace death as a means of escape at one point in our lives. Whether it was after getting dumped by the one you love with all your heart and knowing that there is nothing more you can do to bring her back; Or getting passed up for that promotion at work you’ve coveted all your working life; Or having to deal with difficult family members that you never chose to begin with and knowing that you’ll be stuck with them for the rest of your life; Or maybe after realizing that you’ve just had it with this life…with all this dog eat dog world…and you just want to break off the confines of these earthly chains. And yet somehow…no matter how hard you try…you just can’t seem to cast off its shackles. Anywhere on earth you go…these frustrations and disappointments hunt you down like a pack of wolves ready to devour what little strength and hope you have left. There is just no escaping it. In total surrender, you just do what choice is left to you. So you just drop down on your knees and pour out your heart, "Lord, take my life…I don’t want to live anymore. I am so tired."

For years, I’ve uttered that silent prayer…wishing that one day soon, God would finally answer my prayer. Ever since that fateful day when God took away from me the very thing that have come to give meaning to my life…I have prayed. "Why me? Why do I have to go through this misery."

For years, I’ve gone back to the Bible…trying to find as much solace and comfort. But what I found in the Bible came as a surprise and a shock to me. Instead of finding comfort in the Bible…I found companions. Instead of finding solace…I found fellow-deathwishers. Instead of finding answers in the Bible…I found a mirror. Go through the Bible and you will be amazed at how many people…men of God…prophets…Great men of Scripture…all longing for death…just like me…just like the countless of others out there who are not, as yet, ready to admit their longing for death to come.

Job…

                                   David…

                                                       Elijah…

                                                                     Jonah…

                                                                                   Paul….

                                                                                                      You….

                                                                                                                                & me…

I came to realize that there is nothing wrong with longing for death. Only fools would choose to continue living in this crazed-filled world…when there is another world…far much better than the one we have today…when there is still a place out there that we could finally call home…our home…our eternal home…where there would be no more pain…no more tears…no more hunger… and no more deaths. A place where the King of Glory would finally be amongst us in a very vivid way. A place where we could finally gaze into the loveliness of our God and stand in awe of His magnificence. Only fools would choose to continue living in this crazed-filled world.

But as much as I wanted to depart this temporal plane and finally rest in the shadow of the Almighty…my prayers remain unanswered. The Lord finally spoke. Where I expected answers I found nothing but rebuke. 

"Pray not that thy life be taken from thee but that thy ego be deprived of thee. Pray not that thee be dead…but that thou be dead unto self…and alive unto Christ."

It suddenly dawned on me. Our life will only find joy…eternal unspeakable joy…in the Lord alone; not in relationships…not in achievements…not in what this temporal world has to offer. As Augustine once said, "I shall not find peace until my soul finds rest in God alone." You can sacrifice everything you have on the altar of temporal pleasures…you can give yourself as an offering to the hedonistic god of this age and still come out empty…unsatisfied…still longing for more. Because not until we die unto self and let the Christ live in us…let His blood flow through us…Let His heart beat through us…Let His cross be our goal and our hearts be His throne…can we truly rest in peace. Until you make the Lord your shepherd…you shall always want. And want more…you shall. Take my word for it…I’ve been down that ugly and gloomy road many times in my 29 lonely years on this crappy planet we call home.

But I have finally made my decision…to let go of the reins…and let Him reign. I know it’s not going to be easy. There will be a lot of sacrifices…sacrifices that I can’t even begin to imagine today…sacrifices that will soon take its toll on me. But these sacrifices are nothing compared to the joy set before those who would gladly surrender all to the Very One who gave these things to us in the first place. A joy beyond compare…a joy that cannot be drowned out by the emptiness of this world…yet it is a joy that can be as elusive as our devotion to Him can at times be.

I have made my choice. Have you? I pray that you would dare journey with me through this adventure of being wholly abandoned for Christ alone. And experience a joy unlike any other…a joy that looks beyond the sacrifices and into that smiling face of our Saviour at the end of those sacrifices…a real joy that can only come knowing that you are right in the center of where He wants you to be…right in the center of His divine will.

          "I choose to live for You alone.
                 To make Your cross my only promise and Your grace my only hope.
                            To yield my will and to make my heart Your throne.
                                        I chose to live this life You’ve given for You alone."

p.s. if you have made this choice…do let me know…that we can pray for each other as we face the difficulties ahead as men of God…fully abandoned unto HIm.

Last week, I was in a camp in baguio. At the very start of the camp, someone texted me a terrible news, informing me that one of our elderly deacon at Christ Universal Mission was confined to the hopsital…the cause of which yet remains unknown. The news came very hard on me because this deacon was very close to my heart and was one of the main reasons that I am who I am today. She had been there for me since the very start of my ministry…providing a much needed balance and objective perspective to my ever extreme and often times dogmatic views on Christianity. She had been supportive of my ministry and had been one of the very few encouragements for me to go on with my ministry when the going gets tough.

Two days later, I received another text message. The first line came as a shock to me, "Today is a very sad day for all CUM family…" I was at a lost for words…I didn’t even want to finish the rest of the message…I was praying to God, "Please no…" I forced myself to read what I expected was going to be the most terrible news in years to come. I was wrong. Dead wrong. The news I got was far worse than the worst scenario playing around in my mind that minute. For it was not news of the passing of a respected adviser that came to me that day…but the passing away of a family of 4 good friends.

At first, I could not come to terms with what happened. It can’t be…it just can’t be. This family loved God. This family belonged to God. How could a good God allow those who love Him die a most cruel death? How could God allow His followers slowly burn to death? For a few minutes in my life…I questioned the goodness of God. For those few moments of my life…as images of happier times with my friends and their children came flashing through my mind, I just could not reconcile how such horrible deaths could come from a good God. If they were being persecuted for His sake…if they were being burned at the stake for their belief…I would not have doubted the goodness of God. But they were innocently sleeping when it happened. They weren’t dying for any cause..they just died. For that one moment in time…I was faced with reality…for that one brief period of time…all my logic escaped me and my theology went down the drain…all the Christian songs I’ve learned seem to fall short of what my heart really wanted to say. And I cried…like never before. I had to run out of the conference hall so as not to attract any attention from the other delegates who were there to listen to the message. I cried for over half an hour…I couldn’t stop myself…I just bawled like a baby.

It was then the Lord reminded me of one verse…"Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints." (Psalm 116:15) Somehow that verse comforted me…reminding me that there are things at work that are beyond our comprehension and more than meets the eye. Although the pain of their death still lingers in my heart to this day…yet God reassured me that He is wise and He is good. And we need to trust Him especially when we don’t understand. It is one thing to believe that all Christians will be in heaven when they die. It is completely another thing to learn to let go and let God do as He sees fit. It was only then and there that closure took place. That I was finally able to surrender their deaths to the will of God.

Last sunday, I went to the hospital to visit the deacon. Where there once was strength…only weakness remains. Where once smile and opinions reside…now only silence remains. She has been diagnosed with malignant cancer. And as I look at her…I could do nothing but cry. She tried her best to sit up and talk to me about my ministry. Even at the point of pain and weakness…all she could think about is the ministry (truly a great woman of God indeed). I curse myself for being helpless, seeing her in pain and yet there was nothing I could do…nothing at all.

I learned one very important lesson this week…I believe all CUM family did. That life is frail…we are but mortals…who will one day walk the path of no return. And on that day, we will not be asked how much we earned, not which places we went, nor what positions we held. But on that day…we shall be asked how we lived the lives borrowed unto us. True enough, we have but one life so soon it will pass…only what’s done for Christ will matter on that day.

Lord, thank You for giving us Your peace during this times of tragedy. Truly, it is a peace that the world cannot understand. It is a peace that the world cannot give. It is a peace that transcends all understanding…able to guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. It is a peace that comforts us in spite of the storms that come our way. For it is this peace that teaches us that You are too good to be unkind and too wise to be mistaken. It is a peace that assures us that You, our God, will never leave us nor forsake us especially in times like this. Father, I continue to pray for the bereaved family. Continue to shower them with Your love and comfort them with Your peace. Be their strength in these trying times. And let them find the answers to their questions in You. May this tragedy remind them,as all of us, that life is too short to be lived for this temporal plane alone. Set our minds on things above for Your glory. I also lift up our beloved deacon into Your hands Oh Lord. You know what is best for her. May Your will be done in her life. Thank You for being a good God. Amen 

A few months ago, I came upon this status of a friend on her YM: "Why do you have to be the best man that I have ever met? I hate you cause I can’t stop falling for you." Being a man who loves to play with words, and whose job is to talk and talk…this simple statement caught me and was somehow impressed upon me all this time. I love how this statement was worded. I feel the emotions that go through those words. The paradox of this statement is simply uncanny and wonderfully worded. To the one who had this statement on her ym status…you know who you are…I am actually complimenting on your english.:) Good work! All the while, I thought you were only good in Filipino.:) hehe

Anyway, I don’t want to use up this page just to talk about how great a grammatical feat was achieved by this friend. The truth of the matter is that when I came across that statement…somehow, that statement bothered me. Where does love end and hate begin? Reading through the Bible I came across a passage that talks about a similar incident. In 2 Samuel chapter 13, we are introduced to two main characters…both the children of the famed King David. Amnon fell so much in love with her half sister, Tamar (yeah, I know their names sound weird, but what can we do cause our names sound weird to them, too). In desperation, Amnon decided to rape his half sister…and succeeded in doing so. That part still seems logical to me…but in verse 15 we are told that after the rape occurred, Amnon hated her with intense hatred. In fact, he hated her more than he had loved her.

Note: This is not yet done…to be continued….Have to step out tonight.

I’ve been enticed by a certain song that I’ve heard on the radio for quite sometime now. However, I don’t know the title of that song, and I have been at a lost on how I could find that song. But two weeks ago, that very song was among our songs at the YGC youth summer camp. And that song has once again humbled me before the presence of the Almighty. The song is rightly titled, "Who Am I?" Truly when our perspectives are set straight, we begin to understand just how insignificant we all are. Our achievements, our goals, our ambitions, our degrees, our treasures…they are nothing…they are fleeting. And yet these are the things that we fight so hard to keep…these are the very things that we are willing to sacrifice so much for. May this song once again remind us of just how trivial all of these are. May this song enlighten us to seek that which would last. For we have but one life and so soon it will pass. Only what’s done for Christ will last; only one chance to do His will so give it all to Him. It’s the only life that pays, when we recall we have but one life.

me

                                       Who Am I?

                   Who am I that the Lord of all the earth
                         Would care to know my name?
                           Would care to feel my hurt?
                 Who am I that the Bright and Morning Star
                         Would choose to light the way
                         For my ever wandering heart?

                                                 Chorus:
                          Not because of who I am
                    But because of what You’ve done
                      Not because of What I’ve done
                       But because of who You are
                       I am a flower quickly fading
                     Here today and gone tomorrow
                       A wave tossed in the ocean
                            A vapor in the wind
                   Still You hear me when I’m calling
                 Lord, You catch me when I’m falling
                       And You tell me who I am
                                  I am Yours

me

               Who am I that the eyes that see my sin
                     Would look on me with love
                       And watch me rise again?
             Who am I that the voice that calm the sea
                  Would call out through the rain
                     And calm the storm in me?

me

"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he can never lose." - Jim Elliot

This song has played a very important part in my life throughout the years. Whenever I have problems and tough times seem unsurmountable, this song never fails to reassure me that I am never alone though the waves and tides come crushing in on me. This song has been my anchor. It has taught me to look up when looking around me brings discouragement. It has taught me to look for the light at the end of each dark and dreary tunnel of life. I hope you’ll come to learn this old old song and let this song be a part of your life as it has been for me.

Part the Waters
By Charles Brown
From Sounds of Life vol. 3 of St. Stephen Parish

Chorus:
When I think I’m going under,
Part the waters, Lord!
When I feel the waves around me
Calm the sea
When I cry for help
O hear me Lord and hold out Your hand
Touch my life,
Still the raging storm in me

1. Knowing You love me
    Through the burdens I must bear
    Hearin Your footsteps
    Lets me know I’m in Your care
    And in the night of my life
    You bring the promise of day
    Here is my hand
    Show me the way
             (repeat Chorus)

2. Knowing You love me
    Helps me face another day
    Hearing Your footsteps
    Drives the clouds and fears away
    And in the tears of my life
    I see the sorrows You bore
    Here is my pain
    Heal it once more
           (repeat chorus)

No experience is more humbling than to see someone you care so much about in dire need of help and you don’t know how to be of help. Yesterday, I was able to get hold of some vital information regarding a very close friend of mine. I came to understand better what he is going through these past few days. He has one very very big problem that might make or destroy him this next few days. He has no one to turn to. His parents don’t care about his situation. He hasn’t told anyone about his problem. And I can see how everything’s starting to weigh him down. My heart cries out for him…no…that would be an understatement…my heart bleeds for him. I wanted to be of help. But I really don’t know how. Should I extend my help to him (which by the way would literally cost me so much), others might feel that I’m showing him special treatment over them. One more problem is the fact that that this person is known to be very a dependent person. I wanted to help him but I don’t want him to continue on depending on me. I want to see him be able to stand on his own. To fight his battles. To win his wars. If the going gets tough, I want to be there behind him…to support him. But I want to see him, first and foremost, doing his very best to struggle against the tides. That would be my crown and joy.

At this point, I really don’t know what to do. I ask the God of wisdom to shed His guidance upon me. ‘Cause seeing this friend waste away (figuratively) every single day and not being able to do a single thing to help just makes me feel impotent…incapable…in tagalog, inutil. The sad thing is I know I can help him but I just don’t know how and what the best way of helping him would be. It makes me feel finite (which of course, is what I really am).

This situation of helplessness…of impotency…of being humbled has driven me to my knees and plunged me to the One Person who can truly make a difference. It has reminded me of my weaknesses…of my limitations. I guess what I am saying is that by my own strength, there’s nothing much I can really do…save to pray. And pray I shall…until God tells me to do something else.

Makati Hope Students, if you know this person I am talking about…please join me in praying for him.

Lord, thank You for once again reminding us that we are nothing without you. Many times, we feel that we are immortals…that we don’t need you. We try to do things on our own. But when we come to the end of our ropes, we find You there reminding us that we should have come to You in the first place…that You are and will always be our ever-present help in times of need…if only we would come to you. Lord, forgive us of our arrogance. Lord, at this point, I would like to offer up my prayer for my friend. Lord, You alone know what exactly he is going through right now. And I thank You because I know that You alone can do something about his situation now. I commit him into Your hands knowing that you will never let him go…knowing that you have the best in stored for him. Continue to touch the lives around him…touch the lives of those who care for him…that we may be able to see beyond the facade and into his heart…a child…lost and in despair. Grant us wisdom that we may know how to best help him in this situation. In Jesus’ name we pray…and the people of God say…Amen!

As the deer pants for streams of water,
                so my soul pants for You, O God
My soul thirsts for God, for the Living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food day and night
                while men say to me all day long,
                "Where is yor God?"

These things I remember as I pour out my soul:
                How I used to go with the multitude
                leading the procession into the house of God,
                with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
                among the festive throng

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God
For I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God!

                                                                                                - Psalm 42:1-5